The Overwhelm Epidemic

Why we keep saying “Yes” when we'd rather say “No”

“I’m overwhelmed.”

“I’m too busy.”

“I don’t have time.”

“I’m burnt out.”

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard phrases like this in the six years I’ve been coaching, I’d probably be able to retire.

What’s going on?

Two things.

There’s the “thing”—whatever the thing is.

And then there’s our relationship to the thing.

Thing one: The Thing

We get the email late at night or on the weekend. We get asked to pick up this extra responsibility that didn’t used to be ours, but someone has quit, or been terminated, and they haven’t been replaced, and now we have to do their job and our job. Or we get promoted, but our old position is not replaced, and now we’re doing our old job and our new job.

And one and on.

We are constantly being asked to do more with less.

There is a huge systems and structural piece going on here. And it feels bigger than us—and growing bigger by the day. It feels impossible to change.

But systems and culture are simply the aggregation of human decisions and human behavior.

Thing two: Our relationship to “The Thing”

“I’d love to work on that. I’m also working on this. As I also need to eat, sleep and spend time with my family, what is the priority here?”

“I’m absolutely willing to work an evening or weekend occasionally, but not routinely. My best thinking and work happens when I’m rested. How can we better balance workload here?”

“I’m turning off email and messages while I’m on vacation. I’ll see you all in a week.”

“I’ve just got back from two weeks of vacation. Give me two days to get back up to speed, and then I’ll jump on that.” (A trick for that: set your Out of Office notification for longer than you’re actually on vacation to account for the time you need to get through email etc. when you get back from vacation.)

How many of us say these things?

We want to say them. I hear my clients say them to me. But they struggle to say it to the people they actually need to say it to.

Why?

Power dynamics and organizational culture are absolutely one part of the answer. We fear—not without reason—what will happen to our jobs if we set boundaries and say no.

So that’s one part of our relationship to the thing: it’s not just the thing itself—it’s our fears and concerns about what happens if we say no, set a boundary, don’t reply right away, take time away from work etc.

I want to be clear: these fears are not unfounded. There are many organizations where the culture is to take, take, take, and then, when people are burnt-out, to simply spit them out, and take in “fresh meat”.

But a part of why organizations can take, take, take, is because we give, give give.

And a part of why we give beyond the point of reasonable and appropriate is because of our relationship with ourselves.

“Then you understand how we live insecurely when we’re in-the-box, desperate to show that we’re justified—that we’re thoughtful, for example, or worthy or noble. It can feel pretty overwhelming, always having to demonstrate our virtue. In fact, when we’re feeling overwhelmed, it generally isn’t our obligations to others but our in-the-box desperation to prove something about ourselves that we find so overwhelming. If you look back on your life, I’ll think you’ll find that that’s the case—you’ve probably felt overwhelmed, over-obligated and overburdened far more often in-the-box than out.” —Leadership and Self-Deception, The Arbinger Institute. Emphasis mine.

In Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute (it’s such a good read I gave it to all my family members one Christmas), being “in-the-box” is about being trapped in the box of our own self-deception and self-betrayal. It’s where we know what we should do, but don’t; and then feel guilty or frustrated with our behaviour, but rationalize and justify it. And those rationalizations and justifications are all self-deceptions and self-betrayals.

When we have a secure, healthy relationship with ourselves, we don’t need the approval or validation of others to know we are ok; we don’t need to prove that we’re valuable and a good team-player by routinely sacrificing evenings, weekends or holidays. When we have a secure, healthy relationship with ourselves, we know our worth, and know that if this organization cannot or will not respect that we have lives outside of work, then maybe it’s not the organization for us and it's time for us to work for one who is more values-aligned. (And yes, they do exist.)

Systems of power absolutely mess with our relationships with ourselves. It’s in their interests to do so: because people who have healthy relationships with themselves are less manipulable. (See: What if Ordinary is Enough for more on that).

Our work, our responsibility, is to (re)build a healthy relationship with ourselves. That’s often some of the main “inner work” I’m doing with my clients. And then we’re also doing the “outer work” of how to actually have those conversations.

We are part of the system. Ouch.

But I also said: systems are simply the aggregation of human decisions and human behavior.

And so, and most especially when we are in positions of senior leadership, we also need to be very mindful of how our own behaviours are perpetuating the very systems and culture that we say we don’t want. If we, as a senior leader, say “I don’t expect or want you to work on evenings, weekends or on vacation”, but then we send an email at 10pm, or Sunday afternoon, or while we are on vacation, then our behaviour speaks louder than our words.

Is the reason you’re doing that because you took the afternoon off to go watch your child’s game? Then you need to make that visible. You need to clearly communicate it, so that you are making space for everyone else to do the same thing.

Is the reason you are working Sunday because you took off Friday to care for your aging parent? Make that visible.

Is the reason you’re working while on vacation because you’re actually bored stiff, and just can’t help yourself? Say that, and that just because you are doing this, you don’t expect it from others. (And maybe let’s have a conversation about how to actually go on vacation 🤣).

You’re not saying “No”, you’re saying “Yes” to something even more important

I recently had a client who had returned to work after having a baby. She was finding that people were scheduling meetings at times she needed to nurse or pump. She had the time blocked off on her calendar, but hadn’t made visible why she had that time blocked off. She was feeling both resentful that people were putting stuff on her calendar during those times, and obligated to accept when they did.

Oooh, we had fun unpacking that one, as you can imagine!

Yes, there’s absolutely a component of people not respecting when others have time blocked off on their calendar. Or at least enquiring if that is moveable before scheduling something over it. But by accepting those meetings she was effectively “teaching” others that “busy” times on her calendar weren’t actually, and that they could just ignore them.

Underneath all of this: her internal need to “prove” that she can juggle returning to work full-time and being a mother.

I asked how she thought people would respond if she made it clear why she had that time blocked off. “I think they’d understand,” she said.

“Great,” I replied. “Then I’d like to suggest that when you explain, you make clear you’re not saying ‘No’ to them, you’re saying ‘Yes’ to something else: feeding your baby.”

That was the trick for her: she wasn’t saying “No”, she was saying “Yes” to something else, something bigger and more important.

A thought exercise for you

So that’s my invitation to you too.

Think of anything you’re wanting to say “No” to, but haven’t yet.

What is it you’re feeling you need to prove, to yourself or others, that you’re not saying no?

Just acknowledge it’s ok to have that need. It’s human. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be perceived as helpful, a teamplayer, responsive etc.

Now, instead of thinking of it as a “No”, think of it as a “Yes”.

What is the higher, bigger, values-aligned “Yes” behind your “No”?

Does anything shift as you think of it that way?

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. Just be curious.

And if you’re a senior leader

And if you’re a senior leader, here’s my more challenging invitation to you.

How might your own behaviour be speaking more loudly than your words?

What role might you be playing in perpetuating the very system and culture that is wearing people down?

When you have the greater power, you have the greater responsibility to monitor your own behaviour to make sure it is aligned with what you say you value.

If you say you value work-life balance, are you modeling work-life balance yourself?

If not, why not? What are you needing to prove to yourself or others about your leadership?

And in trying to prove that, what are you actually modeling for others?