The Impact Paradox: The Neuroscience of Emotions
"You make me feel..." is half the story. The other half is where better relationships are built.
In this month’s newsletter
The Impact Paradox
Personal Reflections from Sue on the current moment (a.k.a. why this month’s newsletter very nearly didn’t get written)
Sue out and about in the world
Other Stuff: Office hours; resources and guides, upcoming programs etc.
The Impact Paradox: How we generate our own feelings
A hypothetical work situation
Andy leans forward in his chair, "Sam, I noticed the project timeline has some gaps in the testing phase. We might want to add more buffer time there."
Sam's face immediately hardens. "You're always criticizing my work." (Note the assumption of intent in Sam’s statement as well).
Andy looks genuinely confused. "What? I wasn't criticizing you at all. I was just making an observation about the timeline."
Have you witnessed exchanges like this? Or perhaps been an Andy or a Sam? When someone reacts as if they've been attacked by what feels like a neutral comment to you? Or you have felt attacked, and they deny it?
Chances are yes, because these types of misunderstandings are so common.
The missing piece in “intent” vs “impact”
When helping people develop better communication skills, a common strategy is to explain intent vs impact: how what you meant (intent) isn't always what others receive (impact), in large part because of your “non-verbals” (intonation, cadence, facial expression, body language, etc.) I teach this concept myself. The idea is to help people see and take ownership of how their words and actions affect others.
It’s not wrong.
It’s just not the whole picture.
So just like I unpacked “assume good intentions” last month, this month we’re doing the same with impact.
Let me dispense with something up front: in looking at how you generate you own impact I am NOT suggesting you should ignore the affect your words and actions have on others, or absolve others of problematic behaviour. Refusing to see or acknowledge impact poisons relationships. It is vital, necessary work to see and own the impact you have on others.
It’s just not the focus of this article.
Rather, I’m exploring the other side of the equation. The deeper, harder—but also more meaningful and empowering work—seeing how you generate your OWN impact; how your brain actively creates your own emotional reactions to what others say and do.
Buckle up. This is counter-intuitive, based on the brain science, not at all about victim-blaming, and—I find— deeply helpful!
How emotions are made A.K.A the brain science and counter-intuitive part
First, we need to understand how emotions are actually made.
The operative word there is made.
Pioneering research by neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett1 and others has upended traditional views of emotions. Contrary to popular belief, emotions aren't universal, hardwired or innate. They are not "triggered". They are constructed. They are constructed in the moment by multiple brain systems working together as the brain registers physical sensations in our bodies and then predicts (sometimes accurately, sometimes not) what those sensations mean using past experiences and “knowledge of emotion concepts”.
Ok, that’s a word soup.
Let’s go back to Andy and Sam to explain this.
When Andy mentions the timeline gaps, Sam's brain automatically adjusts his body's resources as it predicts what his body is going to need next. His heart rate might increase, muscles tense, and breath quicken. He might be consciously aware, or not, of these physical sensations. (FYI, the more consciously aware we are of internal physical sensations—a perceptive sense called interoception—the more able we are to regulate our own emotions.)2
His brain is also making meaning of these physical sensations. If he grew up in a household where any feedback was delivered harshly and meant "you're not good enough," he might have developed a strong emotion concept3 of "criticism" that's associated with these physical sensations and contexts, and easily activated. Or if Sam had a previous boss whose seemingly benign critiques were actually harsh criticism in disguise, his brain might have learned to categorize even mild observations as threatening and to be on the alert.
The key insight from the neuroscience is that these physical sensations themselves don't automatically mean any particular emotion.
If Sam were about to give a presentation, and Andy said “Over to you, Sam,” Sam could experience all the exact same physical sensations (heart racing, muscles tightening, breath quickening) and categorize them as excitement (“This is my chance to showcase something I’m passionate about”), fear (“What if I mess up and everyone judges me?”), pride (“I know I’ve done good work here”) or gratitude (“I’m so glad Andy is giving me this opportunity”).
This is why two people can experience the exact same comment completely differently— their brains are constructing wildly different emotional meanings from similar external events and internal physical sensations, based on previous experiences, contex, and the emotion concepts they have.
What this means for Sam, Andy (and you)
Now let's replay that opening scene with a slight but crucial difference.
Andy leans forward, "Sam, I noticed the project timeline has some gaps in the testing phase. We might want to add more buffer time there."
Sam takes a breath and says, "I'm feeling criticized right now."
What a world of difference between “I’m feeling critized” and “You're always criticizing my work”!
The latter assumes intent, mixes it with impact, and holds Andy responsible for Sam's feelings. Andy is criticizing Sam, ergo Sam is right in feeling criticized.
"I'm feeling criticized" states the impact, and opens up the possibility that Sam’s reaction might be saying something about him, rather than Andy.
We are active creators, not passive recipients
We hear it all the time: “You made me feel…”
It’s a human impulse to want to put 100% of the responsibility for your feelings on the other person. If they hadn’t said or done what they did, you wouldn't be feeling whatever you feel. They are the guilty party, you are the innocent victim
And that's absolutely A truth.
It's just not the WHOLE truth.
If Sam can't or won't see how he helped to generate his own sense of feeling criticized, he’s going to move through the world feeling very vulnerable and reactive, and very sensitive to any constructive feedback, no matter how well delivered. He becomes the "victim," constantly being "done to": a very disempowered state.
Fred Kauffman explains more about the “victim mindset” in this wonderful short video.
Why this matters for our workplace relationships
A simplistic understanding of impact ("You made me feel") is highly problematic for healthy, productive relationships.
The Andys of the workplace will apologize more than they need to, start to doubt themselves, feel resentful, get angry that they're being blamed for something they didn't do, and eventually stop giving feedback altogether. They might become overly cautious in their communication, walking on eggshells around certain colleagues. Or they may swing to the other extreme - growing defensive, dismissing others' feelings as "oversensitivity," and becoming increasingly harsh in their delivery. Either way, their effectiveness as communicators and leaders diminishes.
The Sams will move through a world that feels threatening at every turn, always at the effect of other people's behaviors. They'll spend precious mental energy scanning for criticism in neutral comments, missing opportunities for growth in helpful feedback. Over time, they may make unreasonable demands for how everyone else must work around their sensitivities, creating strained workplace dynamics. Their relationships suffer as colleagues grow reluctant to offer even constructive input, and their professional development stalls without the benefit of others' perspectives.
Try this the next time you feel «insert feeling»
Next time someone says something that leaves you feeling criticized, dismissed, or otherwise negatively impacted, try these steps:
Recognize the physical sensations in your body. Heart racing? Tension in your shoulders? Stomach dropping?
Get curious about your brain's interpretation. What meaning is your brain assigning to these sensations? What emotion concepts are you applying? Where do those concepts come from? What past experiences shaped them?
Own your feeling without blame. Instead of "You made me feel X," try "I'm noticing that I’m feeling X right now."
Get curious together. Ask clarifying questions: "When you said Y, I heard Z. Is that what you meant?"
Consider multiple interpretations. What are three different ways you could interpret what was said? Which interpretation serves you best?
This isn't about letting others off the hook for thoughtless or harmful communication. It's about recognizing your power in the equation, to recognize how you are often creating your own impact.
Both parties have responsibility
The most productive relationships emerge when both parties take responsibility for their part:
If you're Andy, be mindful of how your words might land. Clarify intent, ask for feedback, adjust your approach as needed.
If you're Sam, recognize that your interpretation is not the only possible one. Own your reaction while staying open to the possibility that Andy might have meant something entirely different than what you’re making up.
The goal isn't to determine who's right or wrong.
The goal is to create understanding.
I find the idea that emotions aren't things that happen to us, but experiences we actively construct tremendously empowering. Not because it removes the impact of others' words, (oh boy, can I be the sensitive one sometimes, I’m as masterful as the next person for projecting into a situation!), but because it reveals my capacity to create my own experience, rather than merely “being done to,” or “at the mercy of” others.
In kindness,
Sue
Personal Reflections from Sue on the current moment
(A.k.a. why this month’s newsletter very nearly didn’t get written.)
Note: Last week I found myself unable to write this month’s newsletter. This is what got written instead. In the writing, something got released (as it so often does for me) and I was able to write the impact piece after all.
I’m electing to still include this personal reflection, in case it’s helpful to wherever you are at.
This month’s newsletter was supposed to be the “Impact” companion to last month’s “Intention” focus.
But I can’t do it. I can’t step over the moment we are in.
At times, fear just creeps up on me silently and squeezes. And squeezes.
Theoretically I have nothing to be afraid of.
But theory doesn't cut it anymore. Not in a kafkaesque world where up is down and down is up.
We understand this moment. It’s well documented and well understood. (I can highly recommend Philip Zimbardo’s The Lucifer Effect4 or Jean Lipman-Blumen’s The Allure of Toxic Leaders5 to name just two).
But understanding provides little comfort when you have strange dreams that if you travel to visit your family in South Africa you might find yourself denied entry on your return…or that your passport renewal application will be rejected and your citizenship revoked. I want to believe that being born in the US should be enough. I can’t. If I hadn’t written a book, maybe. But I have. It’s not polemical or inflammatory. But when power gets to say what’s true, truth is arbitrary.
And if I can’t push the fear away, given all our privilege…then what does that mean for the state others are likely in ???
When I lived in Palestine, and was the acting head of South Africa’s diplomatic mission during the second Intifada, I often wrote in my journal about how I could taste the tension and violence in the air. A bitter, metallic, bilious taste. Tim Martin, then the head of the Canadian mission to Palestine (which was located in the same building as the South African mission), and who is still a friend and mentor, and has written his own stunning book Unwinnable Peace: Untold Stories of Canada’s Mission in Afghanistan on being “the last representative of Canada in Kandahar” (read this review if nothing else), writes about the same feeling.
And I sense it again here. More subtle. Not as strong. But just there. Riding the currents like an icy undertow. A chilling as we hunker in protectively, fall silent, try not to draw attention to ourselves. A “something” lurking, waiting to explode outwards.
I have many things to comfort and sustain me. I have many practices that can ground, calm and center me. I can - and do! - find peace and joy in so many places. Spring is springing, the garden and deck are beckoning. A family I adore. Meaningful work I enjoy. Friends, community, a creek in our backyard. The antics of cats. Sewing.
And yet none of that will silence the sense of unease I feel.
So I’m simply naming it. Naming it not to amplify it, but naming it because we know that a huge part of thriving and well-being, of accessing courage, of acting in accordance with our values, is NOT to push away difficult emotions, but to name them and sense through them.
So I’m allowing myself to feel the feels, to cry, to grieve. And in so doing, find a way forward. I don’t know what that looks like yet. Even while never accepting apartheid in South Africa, I was not someone who went to protests and rallies.
In the midst of my 2017 collapse and deep, dark depression, one of the more helpful pieces of advice I received was to go volunteer somewher, to find a way to help others.
I did. And they were right. It did help. Tremendously.
The best antidote to helplessness is helpfulness.
So let me end this reflection on that note:
What do you need from me?
What can I help with?
Sue Out and About in the World
Sue’s interview with the Aspen Institute on “Internal Talent Development: Why You Can’t Afford Not To”, which is part of their The Future of Philanthropy series. Do leave a comment. 🙏
Public reading of chapter one, “A new world”, of my second novel. Thursday, May 15. 7-8pm ET. Zoom link to come. Save the date.
Other Stuff
Office Hours
Monthly Office Hours to ask me anything/ walk-up coaching is available to all active private clients and paid newsletter subscribers.
3rd Thursdays of the month
1pm Eastern Time
Resources and Guide
I’ve been building out and adding to the Resource library - coaching tools, guides, worksheets etc. I’ve developed over the years.
Some of the resource guides now available include:
Delegation isn’t binary—it’s a spectrum. Learn how to get delegation right and use it as a strategic tool to empower your team.
Navigating Change, Managing Transitions. A self-coaching guide...to move through changes with grace and purpose.
Conflicts & 'The Judge': A self-reflection exercise....to resolve conflicts more constructively.
You can check out these and more on the Resources tab.
Other articles you may enjoy reading:
Last Month’s Newsletter: The Patronizing Power of 'Good Intentions'. Why a popular workplace mantra is actually corrosive, not helpful.
The art of giving and receiving feedback: How to give real feedback that doesn't suck. How to take it when it does.
Where Feedback Fails: The How Vs. The What Thoughts from a recent experience of being an observer of some poorly delivered feedback…and deciding to say something.
Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Price CJ, Hooven C. Interoceptive Awareness Skills for Emotion Regulation: Theory and Approach of Mindful Awareness in Body-Oriented Therapy (MABT). Front Psychol. 2018 May 28;9:798. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00798. PMID: 29892247; PMCID: PMC5985305.
Our “emotional concepts” and categories aren’t innate. They’re learned, through culture, language, and experience. Every language and culture in the world has emotions and emotional concepts that others don’t (but might adopt). A classic example is “schadenfreude”. Other wonderful examples include “liget” (from the Phillipines) and “hygge”. The same is true for English/western culture emotional concepts that we think are common to all humans, but really aren’t. E.g. in English we distinguish between guilt and shame, but Japan only has a word that is more like “shame”; it doesn’t really have an emotion concept for “guilt”.