How do I get people to respect me?
What leaders who are genuinely respected do differently
In this month’s edition
How do I get people to respect me?
When “nice” is as toxic as “nasty”
Sue out and about in the world (details below)
Inward or Outward? Changing ‘Toxic’ Workplaces: June 26, 2025
Confident Manager Masterclass: A Masterclass for Managers of
‘Brilliant but Difficult’ People. September 19, 2025.
Other stuff: Office hours; resources and guides, upcoming programs etc.
How do I get people to respect me?
“People have to earn my respect,” she said.
And I winced.
I've heard almost those exact same words so many times now. Hell, 20 years ago I was saying them too. (Modelling some self-accountability here, ahem! More on that below.)
It sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?
And yet.
Here's a behind the scenes fact: In my now eight years of coaching, the people I hear these words from? They’re the one’s who are struggling with negative perceptions of them. They’re the ones struggling with strained relationships.
The people I never hear these words from? Leaders and people who are genuinely respected and admired.
Hmm. Might there be a relationship between these things?
If you take a moment, I’m sure you can guess what it is.
When you make yourself judge and jury
When you say “someone has to earn your respect” you’re putting yourself in a superior position over them. It sets you up as both judge and jury of the other person. It places the burden entirely on others to meet your standards before you'll treat them with dignity and courtesy. (And yes, I’m outing myself of having been guilty of this. That story here.)
And humans are funny this way: they don’t like that! They don’t respond well if you convey (intentionally or not) that you think you’re superior to them and that they are not worthy of being treated with respect. It doesn’t endear you to them; it doesn’t make you more respected, admired or effective.
What about treating people with respect, period?
Here's an alternative viewpoint, which you are free to accept or reject. What if you adopt the viewpoint that people get to be treated with respect, period?
It doesn’t matter how obnoxious or difficult they are being. It doesn’t matter if you agree with them or their behaviour: you still just treat them with respect. Period.
This is the approach of the most respected and admired leaders. Even when delivering challenging feedback, or difficult news, they do so with care and consideration for the people on the receiving end.
I used to work with engineers, and from them I learned “P-ss poor planning on your behalf doesn’t constitute an emergency on my behalf.” (Definitely crass, but it gets the point across).
The corollary of this perspective when it comes humans: Poor behavior by someone else doesn't justify poor behavior by you. (More on that in Belinda’s story.)
This doesn't mean becoming a doormat and accepting or tolerating what should not be accepted or tolerated. You still get to say, “This doesn’t work for me,” “I don't appreciate that,” “That's not okay.” But the way you set these limits and boundaries will shift when you are operating from a place of treating people with respect, period. It will be less about making someone feel small, shaming them, humiliating them or putting them in their place; it will be more about a dignified, respectful statement of what is and is not OK.
And what if they are making it difficult for you to respect them e.g. they are being vile towards you, behaving childishly, or being an “entitled brat”, or whatever?
I’m the first to admit I find it challenging to be with people like this!
But that’s where the real work begins – and what sets great leaders apart from merely good leaders.
Accountability is an inside game
After wrestling for many years with the whole question of accountability, what it is, and when - and how - you get to hold someone else accountable, the principle I’ve adopted for myself is:
accountability is an inside game, not an outside game.
Remember I said that those who tend to have the belief that “People have to earn my respect” tend to be the ones who are most suffering from negative perceptions from others and strained relationships?
Turns out, when you look at their behaviour, they’re hardly above reproach themselves.1 They’re very busy pointing out other people’s failings, but they’re not taking any accountability for their own behaviour. They’re very quick to assert that others have to earn their respect, but oh boy, do they expect to receive it automatically themselves.
Humans have a fine sense of hypocrisy and double standards. They don’t like being held “accountable” by someone who is not holding themselves accountable. And no, that doesn’t make them “defensive” and “unable to take feedback”: that makes them people with enough self-regard to object being called out for something when the person doing the calling out is guily of doing the very same thing!
Self-Accountability: Getting started
Learning self-accountability is deep work, but a few things can get you started.
1. Ask the hard question
If someone else is behaving in a way that doesn’t exactly incline you to respect them, how might you have contributed to the situation? (This guided exercise will help you do just that, in a blame-free way.)
Sometimes, yes, the answer truly is nothing. They’re just having a bad day, and you just happen to have come along and become the convenient target for them directing their frustrations at you.
Not OK, and yes, you get to (respectfully) say so.
2. Examine your regard
But more often than not, when you look under the hood, the part you’re responsible for is your own low regard for them. When you hold someone in low regard, it leaks out. They sense it, even if you don’t say it. And it gets their backs up.
3. Look for your collusions
This is a process called collusion – and you can discover your own collusions here.
4. Check for double standards
Are you holding others to standards you don't apply to yourself?
When you're running late, is it because of traffic? But when they're late, it's because they're disorganized?
When you interrupt, is it because you're passionate? But when they interrupt, it’s because they're rude?2
Self-accountability is not easy work to do. It takes a lot of courage. But it is absolutely one of the critical factors in warm, healthy, productive working relationships.3
It's also the foundation upon which genuine respect is built.
Relationships function at the level of regard
The fundamental truth about healthy relationships is that they’re not built on some set of skills – be that reflective listening, empathy, communication skills, handling conflict constructively etc. (although those undoubtedly help).
It’s that they’re built on a fundamental mindset towards others: respect and regard.
When regard is high:
People assume positive intent and give each other the benefit of the doubt
Conflicts are approached with curiosity rather than defensiveness
There's willingness to be vulnerable and authentic
Mistakes are met with patience and understanding
Both parties invest time and energy in the relationship
When regard is low:
Interactions become transactional or superficial
Small issues escalate quickly due to lack of goodwill
People are less willing to extend effort or compromise
Communication becomes guarded or hostile
There's little motivation to work through difficulties
The root of just about all the relationship challenges I work on with my clients and organizations isn’t communications, listening, boundaries, or even specific behaviours: it’s mindset. It’s about respect and regard. It’s about the core beliefs with which they engage with others.
I can teach someone all the "right" ways to listen, show empathy, work through conflict etc., but if they aren’t willing to genuinely examine their own mindsets and core beliefs, those techniques won't create sustained change and productive, healthy, effective working relationships.
If you truly want people to respect you, respect them first.
If you want to shift a relationship from negative to positive, you need to shift your own regard for the person first. There’s a very strong chance that if you’re waiting for them to “earn your respect”, they’re waiting for the same from you.
Breaking this stalemate requires someone to go first. Let it be you.
Then keep on treating them with dignity and care, even as you set appropriate boundaries.
Keep on modelling self-accountability.
And be patient. It will take time for people to see, and believe, you’ve shifted your perspective.
How do you get people to respect you?
1. Treat them with respect first…and always.
2. Practice self-accountability.
3. And, beware of double-standards – they’re remarkably tricky and sneaky!
In kindness,
When “nice” is more toxic than “nasty”
Filmmaker Stephanie Bencin reached out to me and wondered if I might share her 14 minute movie short with you. I watched it…and, yes!
Stephanie perfectly captures not just the cringe, but also the undertow of nastiness of much of what passes for “nice” at workplaces. Darkly comedic, it may have you looking at some of your office traditions with fresh eyes.
Stephanie shared that “For a number of years, I worked in an office that was big on birthdays. Like, banners and tiaras big. Everyone got an over the top celebration…unless you fell out of favor with the mean girl bosses. It became a way to let our team know who was who in the pecking order. Underneath all of that buttercream frosting was a sense of dread. We sang our half-hearted Happy Birthdays all the while thinking “If we all hate this, why are we doing it?”
Why indeed?
Sue out and about in the world
Inward or Outward? Changing “Toxic” Workplaces
What if changing toxic workplaces was as simple as one question and one shift?
I'm bringing this invitation to a perspective shift to the Greater Binghamton Chamber's Women's Conference "Be Present!" on June 26th. I'm grateful and honored to be invited back as a returning presenter this year.
In my workshop "Inward or Outward? Changing Toxic Workplaces," we'll explore this reality: Someone cannot be hard to work with AND good at their job—because part of everyone's job is helping others do theirs.
Join me June 26th at 11:30 AM at the DoubleTree by Hilton Binghamton.
Details here: https://greaterbinghamtonchamber.com/womens-conference/
Confident Manager Masterclass
A Masterclass for Managers of ‘Brilliant but Difficult’ People
September 19, 2025 - Syracuse NY
Diana Wolgemuth, Director of Learning and Development at Loretto and I are partnerting with CNY-ATD (Association for Talent Development) to deliver this 1-day masterclass training for managers.
The Masterclass is about how to intervene effectively as a manager with intances of abrasive workplace behavior. It’s a very hands-on and experiential training, rather than being theory. You are actually going to practice, multiple times, having these conversations in a nice low stakes environment. This is what really helps prepare you to have the actual conversation - which can feel very high stakes.
Other Stuff
June Office Hours
Monthly Office Hours to ask me anything/ walk-up coaching is available to all active private clients and paid newsletter subscribers.
June 19, 2025
2pm Eastern Time
Resources and Guide
Some of the resource guides that are related to this month’s topic include:
Conflicts & 'The Judge': “Our judge” actively fuels and colludes in the the conflicts we say we don’t want. This is a self-reflection exercise to uncover that collusion.
Master the Art of Apologizing: A step-by-step guide...to rebuilding trust and repairing relationships.
The art of giving and receiving feedback A guide to giving real feedback that doesn't suck. And how to take in when it does.
Empathetic Communication - the LAVA Model: A step-by-step guide to becoming a more skillful listener and communicator.
You can check out these and more here:
Other articles you may enjoy reading:
It’s behaviour, not personality. If my younger brother can do it, so can we all
"When Are They Going To Believe I’ve Changed?” How long does change take? It depends on who's asking.
The Tragedy of the Fundamental Attribution Error: It's why so much of the feedback we receive just feels wrong.
Where Feedback Fails: The How Vs. The What Thoughts from a recent experience of being an observer of some poorly delivered feedback…and deciding to say something.
And it is the opposite of a “victim mindset”, which I touched on in March’s newsletter.
"It doesn’t matter how obnoxious or difficult they are being. It doesn’t matter if you agree with them or their behaviour: you still just treat them with respect. Period."
I think this is one of the hardest challenges of leadership. I have both excelled and failed spectacularly at this, and I can say that the momentary exhilaration I felt when matching someone's disrespectful energy quickly turned into regret overall. A challenge for sure!